Just to Be Clear

Everyone needs forgiveness; the kindness of a saviour.”

 

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was open the Facebook app on my phone–mistake right from the start. There’s nothing like a good ol slap of reality to the face to make you realize or feel that your life is moving nowhere when clearly, everyone else’s is. All I’d manage to do was torture myself with countless engagement and wedding pictures. I see everyone getting married, going off to college, graduating college, becoming successful, being happy. Then, as any normal person who’s feeling discontented with themselves, I take this huge inward look at myself and feel nothing but incompetence. Incompetent to life in general and everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing because, now I feel that it’s all too late. Everyone I’ve ever known has already progressed with their lives and I still seem to be stuck in this place that I can’t move forward from. I feel like I’ve somehow failed myself and everyone around me because I haven’t changed; everything is still all too familiar and redundant. I let my mind overtake me and I become this self-loathing person who doubts herself. How have I managed to let everyone and everything pass me by while I remain yet the same?

I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m not cut out for the kind of life people only dream of, that there isn’t this “greater purpose” to my life. Maybe I’m just a simple person meant to come and go, make the most of my life and be content with simpleness; settling. I get myself so stuck in a rut that everything I do now is questionable. “Am I doing this motherhood thing right?”, “Can I really, truly be someone who my sisters want to look up to?”, “Have I even remotely made my parents proud?” Haven’t we all been here a time or two? Of course we have, but the tricky part sometimes is figuring out how to get out of that place, that mindset.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m giving professional advice, because I definitely don’t have any degrees in psychology or any behavioral sciences for that matter. What I do know is that the typical trial and error thing actually works–I’ve done it a few times. The best thing I’ve ever learned to do is to release. Something that seems so simple can actually become the hardest thing for you to learn to do. As people, we sometimes tend to hold things inside of us because we don’t want to feel a burden to others or even to ourselves, so the things that bother us become buried and forgotten to us for a small while, yet the problem still remains. Let it all go; release it. Cry it out if you must because you must. Cry for your self doubt and your fears. Dear God, scream if you have to, but release it. Find your way of release, a healthy way, whatever it is and turn to it when you feel so overwhelmed and down. I tell myself to let go of these things because I know that I want better, and I know I can have better.

“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.”

Self-conflict isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. In fact, I find it to be a very commendable trait of character. If you don’t question or test yourself how can you expect to move forward, unless you’re completely content with where you are. It makes you take a look at yourself, to change the things about yourself that you can better. I had to come to terms with that fact that, yes, everyone is indeed doing different things with their lives. Some that I’d hoped to have done by now as well, but the beauty of all this is that no one can be the same. We can’t all live the same lives and be successful or happy in the same ways. We have to do that on our own, in our own time–we all move in different paces. 

Instead of focusing on everyone else’s lives and trying to determine where I wasn’t in mine, I decided to focus on the present, on what I have now. Somewhere along the way I got to become the mother of this child who only God himself could have blessed me with, and everything about her has made everything about me the best that I could have hoped to be. I have an amazing family, and while that may not sound like much of an accomplishment or success I could not be more grateful–I’m proud to have them. It’s so hard to feel blessed about what we already have when we keep looking for the things we don’t have. It’s not that we’ll never have them, because anything is possible, we just need to learn to how to embellish in the many blessings and happiness that we already have. Don’t become so bothered and focused on what’s going on around you with everyone else. Take some time, figure out what it is you truly want to become of yourself, your life, and take that and let it inspire you; how you live and in the things you do. 

Image

(Photo taken by, Jasmine Ross)

Advertisements

Breathe

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t seem to understand people who do things that are rendered stupid and ridiculous to me. I seem to think they’ve lost the ability to think with common sense and then I realize that I’m grateful that I don’t understand them or their actions, because would that not make me too just as stupid and ridiculous as them?

I’ve always heard it told that “actions speak louder than words,” and my-oh-my how loud actions can truly scream a very certain and specific message. Always think things through before you decide that something, which may not seem like such a big deal for you, isn’t trivial to the other person’s perception. For instance, don’t assume that just because you haven’t talked to or communicated with your best friend or significant other for a week that they’ll just let it easily blow on by, especially if there’s usually always a steady flow of communication with you two. I’d assume that the person on the other end of this situation would think that one was being ignored or hidden from something. Maybe I’m wrong, just going out on a limb there. Anyhow, I’ve seemed to have lost myself in thought there for a brief moment, but isn’t that quite alright, because who’ve I to impress in the first place.

With all that being said, I’d just like for it to be known that, I’m not a foolish girl. We as women, fortunately and unfortunately have this wonderful gift we were blessed with, it’s called intuition. We happen to perceive what’s going on around us usually before it’s fully manifested, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a good grip of what’s going on here. Not that anything needs to be made an ordeal of it but, I am rather peeved with the situation. You just continue to deal with yourself in the manner you feel is best for you though, I won’t dare stop you from that.

I realize, sometimes things are better left the way they’ve happened to play out, because maybe someone who’s hanging out upstairs is watching out for you and generally knows what’s best. That’s the only way I can usually find solace in knowing or trying to understand why people have done the things they have, whether it be to myself or someone else. I tend to, as any human would, get so emotionally stirred about personal matters and small things that I can’t control. I truly think, we’ve got to understand that unpleasant things will happen to us, and that people will hurt us and try to break us. We get to choose how we cope with all of that though, and that’s the beauty of free will. No person, has control over your emotions or your life except yourself. Of course, it won’t be easy, but then again that’s why God invented this really cool thing called prayer. I know for a fact, that some of the things I’ve personally had to go through in my life could have destroyed me had I not turned to Him with every single burden and depressing aspect of my life at the time. Constantly, I have to take time and sit alone and release every heavy thing on my heart and give it to Him. It feels hard to do at times, because we like to keep our issues strong, but why, when you don’t have to.

Image

I receive daily devotionals from an app called Word powered by @pocketfuel (they’re instagram account) and this was the one for today.

Ezekiel 37:13 (MSG) I’ll breathe my life into you and you’ll live. 

It talked about how Ezekiel was give a vision by God of a valley of dry bones that were so dead, there was no trace of life in them. Until the Spirit of God breathed on them, and bone by bone, the became a strong and mighty army that was very much alive. The breath of God carries the spark of life and He gives that to us.

You see, I can’t simply choose to let such simple and unimportant situations, that may hurt for only a while, set me back from what I was meant to do, and that’s to live. To be what I was destined to be and to fulfill a purpose that I was created for. Don’t let people, or situations caused by people stagnate your life or compel you to forget that you were blessed with it.

Life.

How is it that we become so afraid of life? Afraid to do the things that we’ve always said we would do, go to all the places we said we would go. It’s like we want to live outside the box, but we confine ourselves to it. I don’t understand, and it’s all so complicated when it shouldn’t be. Should it?

I’m faced with this very problem myself, and so confused, conflicted, frustrated, and anxious about my life. I have all these dreams and goals that I need to accomplish, I HAVE to accomplish, because then what would my life have meant if I don’t. So difficult, trying to figure out who you are, who you’ve become, and where you’re supposed to be. Then I wonder, why?? Who says that it’s supposed to be this hard? Shouldn’t we be able to do whatever we put our minds to? That’s what they tell us right? And maybe it’s true. Maybe I actually CAN do all of the things that I dream of doing, and somewhere inside my brain I really do believe I can! But, then I get scared. 

Fear is our own worst enemy. I wish we never knew it existed. That’s what holds me back. Plain ol, stupid fear. Fear of being inadequate, fear of not following through, fear of failing, and actually falling flat on my butt and then fear of not being able to get back up and go through with all of it again. Seriously, makes me angry.

Then, I watch this amazing show, “World of Jenks”, and find it completely inspiring that this girl Kailyn, who’s not much older than myself, has a rare form of cancer and is STILL doing everything that she loves doing. Even beyond that, she lives. You can see it in everything she does, how she walks, how she designs; everything about her screams life, even though she knows she could be dying. 

I look at myself and I think, what’s your excuse? You have no reason to doubt or settle when you still have a complete life ahead of you. It’s so easy to be inspired and say we’ll do the things we’ll do and then as soon as something bad comes along, or we become “uninspired” we give up. It’s so easy to give up, and just decide that our dreams were too far fetched, and we should just settle for what’s “best”. 

“Yeah Jasmine, maybe you should just get your degree in teaching and do photography on the side. Maybe that’s not what you were really cut out to do.”

That’s how it usually goes right? We convince ourselves that we were wrong about ourselves! Ridiculous isn’t it? I hate second guessing myself and doubting myself. Something I need to work on obviously! But I have become tired of being my own worst enemy. I confuse MYSELF! I make it hard for me, and I wish I had a conclusion for all of this, to say that I’m gunna man up and just take the bull by the horns, but I can’t. Because quite frankly, I am confused. So, so so confused and still trying to figure things out. Maybe I will decide to take that huge, scary step and move away from everything I know just to fulfill my dreams or maybe I should stay where I’m comfortable, where I know nothing too drastic could happen, where my safety net is. Who knows? I don’t. Honestly, I’m just praying and hoping that it all falls into place.