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For me, home is a place I look forward to getting to after being at work all day. Home means I get to be reunited with my two girls and the rest of my crazy, yet loving, family. It means that I can leave all the rest of my worries from the day back where they are and find comfort when I reach my destination of home

Home means a lot of things to me. Driving there on my way from work is what this shows, and that’s one of the aspects.

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Cold Weather and Vital Lessons

Lesson 1: Keep busy so I don’t possibly have time to think about things that are unmentionable

Lesson 2: At some point, please stop trying to blame myself for something that is completely out of my control, when in all actuality, I will indeed continue to torture myself over and over again with how many different ways I should have avoided a situation that in all honesty wasn’t even my fault.

Lesson 3: Try really hard to maintain my positive attitude–even though it seems a little bit difficult with current situations going on. Understand that, yes, it sucks to deal with what’s going on in my head right now but that someone, somewhere is probably dealing with something a little more harsh than what I’m going through. Everyone has a point in life where they go through pain, loss, suffering. It’s how we choose to cope. Pain is physical, suffering is mental. I can be better.

Lesson 4: Cold weather is unpleasant, but just like with everything else in life, it’s not something that’s unmanageable. Learning to cope with life is like learning to cope with the changing of the seasons. It gets cold, grab a jacket, put on some boots, a scarf, and tough it out until the harshness of it eases up.

Lesson 5: If I don’t change out of my work clothes right now, my entire family is going to leave me here alone and have dinner without me. I’m almost sure patience isn’t in anyone’s vocabulary right now.

Just to Be Clear

Everyone needs forgiveness; the kindness of a saviour.”

 

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was open the Facebook app on my phone–mistake right from the start. There’s nothing like a good ol slap of reality to the face to make you realize or feel that your life is moving nowhere when clearly, everyone else’s is. All I’d manage to do was torture myself with countless engagement and wedding pictures. I see everyone getting married, going off to college, graduating college, becoming successful, being happy. Then, as any normal person who’s feeling discontented with themselves, I take this huge inward look at myself and feel nothing but incompetence. Incompetent to life in general and everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing because, now I feel that it’s all too late. Everyone I’ve ever known has already progressed with their lives and I still seem to be stuck in this place that I can’t move forward from. I feel like I’ve somehow failed myself and everyone around me because I haven’t changed; everything is still all too familiar and redundant. I let my mind overtake me and I become this self-loathing person who doubts herself. How have I managed to let everyone and everything pass me by while I remain yet the same?

I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m not cut out for the kind of life people only dream of, that there isn’t this “greater purpose” to my life. Maybe I’m just a simple person meant to come and go, make the most of my life and be content with simpleness; settling. I get myself so stuck in a rut that everything I do now is questionable. “Am I doing this motherhood thing right?”, “Can I really, truly be someone who my sisters want to look up to?”, “Have I even remotely made my parents proud?” Haven’t we all been here a time or two? Of course we have, but the tricky part sometimes is figuring out how to get out of that place, that mindset.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m giving professional advice, because I definitely don’t have any degrees in psychology or any behavioral sciences for that matter. What I do know is that the typical trial and error thing actually works–I’ve done it a few times. The best thing I’ve ever learned to do is to release. Something that seems so simple can actually become the hardest thing for you to learn to do. As people, we sometimes tend to hold things inside of us because we don’t want to feel a burden to others or even to ourselves, so the things that bother us become buried and forgotten to us for a small while, yet the problem still remains. Let it all go; release it. Cry it out if you must because you must. Cry for your self doubt and your fears. Dear God, scream if you have to, but release it. Find your way of release, a healthy way, whatever it is and turn to it when you feel so overwhelmed and down. I tell myself to let go of these things because I know that I want better, and I know I can have better.

“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.”

Self-conflict isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. In fact, I find it to be a very commendable trait of character. If you don’t question or test yourself how can you expect to move forward, unless you’re completely content with where you are. It makes you take a look at yourself, to change the things about yourself that you can better. I had to come to terms with that fact that, yes, everyone is indeed doing different things with their lives. Some that I’d hoped to have done by now as well, but the beauty of all this is that no one can be the same. We can’t all live the same lives and be successful or happy in the same ways. We have to do that on our own, in our own time–we all move in different paces. 

Instead of focusing on everyone else’s lives and trying to determine where I wasn’t in mine, I decided to focus on the present, on what I have now. Somewhere along the way I got to become the mother of this child who only God himself could have blessed me with, and everything about her has made everything about me the best that I could have hoped to be. I have an amazing family, and while that may not sound like much of an accomplishment or success I could not be more grateful–I’m proud to have them. It’s so hard to feel blessed about what we already have when we keep looking for the things we don’t have. It’s not that we’ll never have them, because anything is possible, we just need to learn to how to embellish in the many blessings and happiness that we already have. Don’t become so bothered and focused on what’s going on around you with everyone else. Take some time, figure out what it is you truly want to become of yourself, your life, and take that and let it inspire you; how you live and in the things you do. 

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(Photo taken by, Jasmine Ross)

Orders of Business (Not Really…)

Considering all things, I am in an unreasonably good mood (at the moment anyhow), so I’m going to take all these positive endorphins and put them to use! I have things to say, events to update you guys on, people to talk about! EXTRA EXTRA: READ ALL ABOUT IT! (and I might just make that the title of this post, not too sure yet)

First order of business:

Aliyah got her body cast removed Wednesday morning!! And let me just tell you, I was way beyond excited; obviously right? Everything was supposed to be smooth sailing after this. Was being the key word, because turns out, she needed to get a “cautionary cast” put on the same leg, seeing as it wasn’t exactly the way the doctor was hoping for it to be. Now look, I’m fine with all that! Put as many casts as you need to on my baby to make sure you get it right and that her leg is perfecto! What I’m not to jazzed up about is the fact that the longer she keeps getting casts put on her leg, the longer I’m being kept away from home. Honestly, I’m not really the one to be a crybaby about missing my mommy and daddy, but guess what? I freaking MISS my mommy and daddy!!! And my sisters! Oh my dear old baby sisters (technically they’re not babies, but sheesh, gimme a break, I miss em) who I never thought I would actually say I miss this much! I’m definitely just ready to be home with my family. “There’s no place like home”, I feel you on that one for sure Dorothy. Can I borrow your ruby red slippers, if you don’t mind?

I think it’s simply the fact that I feel so comfortable with my family, and happy. They encourage me when I need it, cheer me up when I’m sad, take my side even when I’m wrong. And here, I just can’t expect people who haven’t known me all my life to pick up on that. I do have Brittany though! My cousin who’s definitely been helping me keep my sanity through all of it, so I am grateful, I am! Just not what I’m used to. Definitely thrown out of my comfort zone and into a different place.

Second order of business:

Who’s ever had a UTI?! Make sure you leave a comment, because I am definitely going to be interested in the responses after I get done talking about this! Point being, I freaking have one myself. Being the rebel I’ve always been though, I did not take the antibiotics the dr prescribed me. Why? Um, they were horse pills number one, and two, they made me feel like a crazy, sick, insane person! Who wants that crap? And besides, did you know that taking antibiotics weakens your immune system? Plus, if you happen to be on the Pill, go ahead and have sex if you want while you take those stupid things, because guess what, you’re gunna have yourself a bouncing baby boy/girl in approximately 40-42 weeks. No, I have not experienced this particular scenario, but I hear about them all the time on 16 and Pregnant. My sweet bouncing baby girl came by the luck of the Irish I suppose. One hook-up and BAM! there I was preggo my eggo! Anyways though, the thing is I didn’t take that stupid poison except, now it’s starting to bother me, the UTI that is. Well guess what, handy dandy google is always there for a friend in need, and helped me it did! I decided that since I am obviously not going to be taking any kind of dr prescribed medicine that I would simply beat this thing the homeopathic way; all natural baby! So here’s what I’m doing

  • 6-8 ounces of pure cranberry and blueberry juice mixed together daily
  • at least a cup of pineapples (and I don’t exactly know what a cup of pineapples is, but I’m guessing) for the vitamin C
  • plenty of water

And that’s about it really. The berries are supposed to relieve pain and cleanse your system, which trust me, it has been “cleansing” my system pretty darn well. The pineapples are simply for the vitamin C, which kills the bacteria in the urinary tract due to the acidity, and the water, well just because water helps everything, and it’ll help flush all the bad stuff out too. I’m going to put some links to the websites I found all this grand information on just in case somebody else out there has a UTI and needs a little bit of help! You never know! And I’m too nice a person to leave an unknown person out there in their misery!

DIY: Treating UTI’s!

http://www.prokerala.com/health/natural-treatment/urinary-tract-infection-home-remedies.htm

http://voices.yahoo.com/natural-home-detection-treatment-urinary-434175.html?cat=68

Third order of business: I have this idea, so I’m going to tell you guys about it! I’m thinking for every day I could post a song of the day. You know, just a little something to broaden you guys’ horizons, get you up on your feet, or maybe just to sit and think. Just something different for you all to hear every day. Also, I can’t simply influence the whole world if the whole world doesn’t even know that my blog exists. With that being said: I need help! If you are reading this tell somebody to tell somebody that I’m awesome and that they’re missing out on life. Kidding! Seriously though, I’d like for more than just my mom and dad to be the only two people interested in what I have to say!

I’m going to post the song of the day in a post all on it’s own, FYI!

 

 

Embrace Thy Family: The Eleventh Commandment

My, oh my! I’m telling you guys right now, if you don’t already, cherish your family. You should have the greatest appreciation in the world for them. I know everyone has that moment when they’re like “there’s no possible way in the world that I’m related to these people.”, but trust me, that crazy uncle that gets too drunk at all the holiday functions, or the aunt that acts like she’s one of the kids, that’s what sets you apart from every other family in this world and you should embrace every part of it. It actually kinda makes you cool!

The amazing thing about it is that no family is the same. You obviously already knew that though didn’t you? Just like no two people have the same DNA, no two families are ever going to have the same dynamics. That’s why I can’t seem to understand why people strive to have this “normal” family that in no way exists at all. What exactly is normal? Like, someone go ahead and define that for me. We know that you think your best friend has the most put together family “like, ever!”, but I almost guarantee your best friend wishes for an ounce of ridiculous dysfunction to spice up her boring family’s “put together-ness”.

You’re all probably like “What IS she rambling about?! She knows nothing about my family.”, and of course you’re right! I’d be some weird stalker type person if I did, and quite honestly I don’t even know who all reads my blog which would make that situation a whole lot more creepier. I do know though, that everyone at some point in their life sometimes wishes they had a different family, or are at least positively certain that they were snatched by the wrong family in the hospital, so now they need to go on this amazing odyssey where they’ll find that they were actually born into this amazing/perfect family that they’ve dreamed up in their mind. Right, keep dreaming sweetie. 

The point of all this, is that I just want you guys to embrace all that craziness, weirdness, boring-ness, all that extra “ness” that your family was specifically designed to have, and just LOVE it! Love all of it! I’m 21 years old and I’m just learning to do this. It’s hard when you’re a teenager and you think you know everything and mom and dad are just “absolutely horrid” and they “never ever everrr” understand you. That’s how I felt at least, anyway. But I’ll tell you this, growing up and actually having to be a mature adult, you learn to look at things in the right perspective. Any different perspective beside your own is always a good thing to explore, and when you learn that your’s isn’t always the right one, you enable yourself to grow and become a better person. (I swear if one of you guys take that and make it a quote for facebook or twitter or instagram you better cite that properly and slap my name at the end of it. I know it’s amazing.) When you learn to do that, you’ll understand, and you’ll be able to embrace your family for exactly who they are, not who you want them to be.

My family is simply one of the most amazing gifts that God himself could have chosen to give to me. Yes, we have our issues. Yes, dear lord, they drive me to wits end sometimes, but at the end of the day blood is blood and we share it together and I couldn’t have picked a better group of people myself.

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(left to right) Jessica, Aliyah, myself, Jamee, Mom, family friend, Dad

I’ve got to learn how to cook; amongst other things…

Let me just tell you guys right now, I’ve never felt as much pressure as I do now on having to figure out this whole “house wife” thing. The funny thing about it though is that I’m nobodies wife, just a girlfriend and a mother, which I guess does call for me to have at least some “house wife-like” duties but, I’m not gunna lie, I’m a tad bit frustrated.

Let’s get you guys updated. Back on August 11 myself, my daughter, the boyfriend, and a good friend of mine got into a pretty rough car accident in Biloxi on our way to Pensacola from New Orleans. Long story short (’cause I’d rather spare you the gory details) baby girl broke her leg (femur to be exact; biggest bone in your body, blah blah) and had to be put in a spica cast a.k.a. body cast! Definitely not one of the better moments I’ve had dealt to me in life, but the point is that I decided to stay in New Orleans with the boyfriend and his family so that Aliyah could have all the medical attention she’d need from the children’s hospital.

Now, it’s been about, oh I don’t know, almost a month that I’ve been down here, and it should go without saying that the boyfriend and I have definitely not been used to this at ALL. He’s gotten on my nerves in ways that I didn’t even know anyone could annoy you, and I’m pretty sure I’ve done the same to him, bless his heart. With all the built up stress that I’ve been dealing with, I want to tell him “You’ve got yourself a ticking time bomb here. Watch it.”, instead I always try to deal with the issues myself (ex. crying in the bathroom during the wee hours of the night so no one hears you, calling my best friend so I can have some one to vent to, etc.) so he doesn’t have to deal with what I’m dealing with. I mean, because who needs TWO people that are on the verge of insanity? It’s just the fact that when I think about how my brand new car, that I didn’t even get the chance to put insurance on, got totaled, and how my poor kid, who loves to run around and explore, is being confined to a body cast, it all seriously makes me sick to my stomach and drives me to the brink of a total breakdown. It seems I’m being a bit dramatic doesn’t it? I don’t try to, I just feel that I have a very outspoken personality, except when it comes to the boyfriend, poor guy. I honestly don’t tell him enough about what’s going in my head so he always seems caught off guard when I have one of my “spastic moments”.

With all this being said, I’ve basically got myself quite a list of things I need to work on, and I feel almost as if I’ve been thrown in a course of House Wife Training: How to Keep Your Man Happy. Not pleasant, at all, and most certainly not what I was expecting.

  1. Cooking: Apparently this is what females are supposed to do for that special man in their lives and quite frankly I think I may have only prepared about 2 dinners my whole life. I’ve obviously been spoiled by my mother, because I was never required to cook, and if I was, I simply refused to. Not because I’m a brat, more because I just never felt like it. It seems I’m a tad bit lazy. I do honestly think if I put my mind to it I could cook anything I wanted (following a recipe of course), but I’ve never, so much as now, had someone require of me to cook breakfast for them, and fix their lunch, like actually over a stove. (My daughter is in a stage where all she eats is chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, simple foods basically. In case you all were wondering whether I was starving her to death or if she was eating her limbs)
  2. Cleaning to the 5th power or something to that sort, because never have I ever cleaned so much as I do now. I’m doing laundry, not only for myself and my daughter now, but for the boyfriend as well? This is totally foreign to me. The crazy thing is that this is what he EXPECTS me to do, and in a ridiculously stupid way I feel like I really am supposed to. I mean what is that? Besides the laundry though, I am also expected to pick up everything behind him. He makes a mess and leaves the room looking atrocious, I have the glorious honor of putting it all away.
  3. Stroking his ego, because that’s what every man expects but doesn’t tell you that you’re obliged to do. Also, it tends to get you what you want if you throw in some batting of the eyelashes and back rubs without him putting up a fight, or better yet, starting one.
  4. Expressing myself better: I am obviously not open enough with my significant other, and trust me I realize this. It’s just that I can’t see myself being completely open like that with another person until after years of getting to know them, and the boyfriend and I are still working on year 1. It’s not that he’s done anything wrong, just that quite a while ago I (not purposely) taught myself to keep things under wraps and just deal with my issues myself (and I know this is random, but it made me think of a song: Florence + the machine-Shake it Out. Haven’t heard it? Youtube the video and watch. Amazing! I promise)

All these things, along with many more, are things I’m trying to get used to and understand. I’ve never had to take care of another adult! And the audacity that he’d think I should just know I’m required to do all these tasks anyhow! What century are we in anyways?! Dare I not or else I’ll be replaced; that’s the ultimatum I believe.

Note from the author (yes I’m serious)

I promise everything isn’t as horrible as I think I might have made it sound! The boyfriend really isn’t like some cruel, evil dictator ruining my life, and things really aren’t so bad. I just tend to have a wild imagination and I run with it! Seriously though, dealing with all of this is definitely new stomping grounds for me. I want to be this amazing girlfriend and mother, but at the same time I’m like “this guy’s insane if he thinks I’m going to be his personal maid”. Point blank: try not to take me too seriously when reading my blogs, as I do have an uncanny sense of humor. Laugh a little and ease up [:

Starting Off Slow: Mini Bio about Myself

I’m gunna tell you the truth. I suck at trying to start a story, paragraph, conversation, or anything really to make it sound interesting enough to keep anyone’s attention span for longer than 2 minutes. Hence the start to this blog. I’ve come to realize that sometimes instead of trying so hard to organize my thoughts into consecutive subjects it’s much more satisfying to just let all the jumbled thoughts in my head pour out they way they’re originally formed up there in the first place.

Oh my goodness! I just realized I’ve written myself a thesis statement on accident. (nerd alert)

With that being said, why don’t we start off with the basics:

  • I’m 21 years old and the mother to who I’m pretty sure is the best kid ever. Her name is Aliyah, she’s 19 months old (yeah I know, I know, 1 and a half. Ta-may-tow tah-mah-tow), and she is absolutely and positively my whole world.
  • I’m the oldest of three; Jessica’s 18 and Jamee’s 15.
  • Both of my parents are still together and have been for 20-something plus years.
  • I’m the epitome of what you’d call a family oriented person. I can’t help it, it’s just how I was raised. Blame it on my parents.
  • I also happen to have this boyfriend, who also happens to be the father of my child. We did things pretty backwards: random hook-up, got pregnant, had a baby together, and then decided that “Hey! We like each other! We should date!”. So when all of my friends decide that we’re “Sooo adorably cute together!”, that’s the strategy plan I give them, in that exact order. Of course I’m kidding. I just happen to be very blessed to have things work out the way that they have so far. It’s definitely been a lot more complicated than I lead on, but that’s another story for another day.
  • My favorite color is purple.
  • I have a thing for art, animals, nature, and saving the planet.
  • I may not look like one, but I definitely have the soul of a hippie.
  • I’ve actually always been interested in writing and I had intended on that being my major when I left for my first year of college. As it turns out though, I realized I had a greater passion for working with kids and I changed my major to early childhood education. Yet, for some reason lately, I’ve just had this horrible urge (I kinda wanna call it a nudge, like a push ya know?) to really just write, and nothing in particular, just whatever comes to mind and just go with the flow of things.

So that’s what I’m doing here, starting a blog to see where it  takes me; a journey if you will.