Gracious

I’ve always said that I’m better with words, as far as writing what I feel and need to say because my head and heart can become so overwhelmed. I’m writing this one for you. And maybe it’s more for myself–because there’s plenty I’ve wanted to say–but instead of being able to speak these words to you, I’d choke on them, second guessing my thoughts and what needed to be expressed. You don’t have to do that when you write. Once you put them down, they’re there for good; to stay.

It was a song that brought all this on–you know how I am about music–it’s called “Promise” by Ben Howard. You could look for it, but knowing you, I’ll either have to send it to you via text or post it for you. It never bothers me anyhow.

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I’ve been thinking a lot, about everything that’s happened between us in a not so short period of time. Sometimes it’s confusing and other times it’s a bit remorseful; knowing that I was so happy and content with you in the place we were in and no longer being there now. 

I came to a weird realization. The reason I can’t be angry about the situation–because believe me, I’d much rather be angry; it’d be easier–is because I came to care for you so much and so intensely. When I felt that what we had was compromised by something I couldn’t control, it tore me apart. What I feel now, aren’t emotions of anger or hatred. It’s hurt and loss, and I hurt because I felt that I’d lost you. Crazy as it may seem, I could sense exactly when you pulled away from me. It was like getting bad phone reception–when everything gets cut into half sentences and you can’t understand what the other person is trying to convey.

I came to understand you–too clearly–in such an extraordinary way that it seemed to have both of us in a daze. It’s nothing I regret; telling you exactly about yourself. Someone had to reassure you of all those unnecessary doubts.

Maybe that’s what this was all about, ya know? Maybe we tried to take something that wasn’t meant for forever–something that was only temporary–and tried to make it something it wasn’t supposed to be. Crappy realization isn’t it? But that doesn’t make it horrible. I think we crossed paths purposely; for a reason. I think, you needed to remember how to be content with yourself, to regain your self assurance. Maybe you lost it somewhere along the harder paths you’ve gone down, but I wanted you to remember. You had so much that you were dealing with and I could see how hard it was for you to deal with those things, to come to realizations that made you unhappy. I saw you overcome some of those things as well though, and if there had to be any reward in all of this, that would be it. I think you found yourself in a place that made you happy, and honestly, that’s all I wanted.

Whatever you choose to do, be sure that it makes you happy. Don’t let yourself recoil back to the same dark places that you fought to get out of, because that’s exactly what you did; you fought to bring yourself where you are now.

Always chase your dreams, even though you’re doubtful of your true talent, you have a gift. [:

Don’t be so afraid to show people that you’re genuinely a good person. I know you’ve got your walls built around you–and for good reason–but I think I’ve learned myself that we can’t always assume that there are people who want to hurt us, that there’s still plenty of good people, and we still have those who truly do love and care for us.

“Cause I, adore you so. When it all comes clear–the wind is settled–I’ll be here, you know.”

 

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Because I Couldn’t Go to Sleep…

You know those nights when, for whatever reason, you just can not get to sleep? Sometimes because something is bothering or pestering you, or maybe like me, you’ve become instantly inspired at the most random time ever. I’ll choose to blame the previous conversation I just had with a certain person and some of the most amazing music I’ve ever opened my ears to that’s got these hands of mine typing away like a maniac.

Inspiration is amazing, but the tricky part about it is that it’s still just a bunch of jumbled passionate thoughts you want to express. Being organized was never my strongest trait. I’ve got a little skill to it, but don’t count on me to do any heavy filing or closet cleaning, just saying.

The point of this post is that it has no point, and that my friends is the beauty of this. To be able to freely write whatever I feel on my mind in this moment, to express with you what I feel at this very time, is something that becomes not only liberating for me, but intimate as well. 1:40 am and I have no real destination or purpose for this piece of writing except to just release. Didn’t we talk about that last time guys, being able to find your release in something? Obviously, mine is writing and so, here I am.

I was told tonight, by someone who I didn’t think I’d genuinely hear it from, that I was actually good at this writing bit. That may seem such a simple thing to be told, because shouldn’t everyone already have confidence in themselves that they’re good at what they love to do? Well, not really for everybody. Everyone has their self doubts of course, as I have mine. I always knew I really liked to write but I never saw or envisioned myself as an actual “writer” until maybe just recently. This wasn’t the first time that I’d been told by someone that I have a knack for this writing thing, and if I’m going to be quite frank with you here, it most certainly gave me a confidence boost that I’d certainly been lacking. 

“Darling you’re with me, always around me. Give me shelter, or show me heart. Come on love. Watch me fall apart, only love.” -Ben Howard, Only Love.

(Love, love, love that song right now, and that man–pure genius, although it has nothing to do with anything I’ve written thus far.)