Because I Couldn’t Go to Sleep…

You know those nights when, for whatever reason, you just can not get to sleep? Sometimes because something is bothering or pestering you, or maybe like me, you’ve become instantly inspired at the most random time ever. I’ll choose to blame the previous conversation I just had with a certain person and some of the most amazing music I’ve ever opened my ears to that’s got these hands of mine typing away like a maniac.

Inspiration is amazing, but the tricky part about it is that it’s still just a bunch of jumbled passionate thoughts you want to express. Being organized was never my strongest trait. I’ve got a little skill to it, but don’t count on me to do any heavy filing or closet cleaning, just saying.

The point of this post is that it has no point, and that my friends is the beauty of this. To be able to freely write whatever I feel on my mind in this moment, to express with you what I feel at this very time, is something that becomes not only liberating for me, but intimate as well. 1:40 am and I have no real destination or purpose for this piece of writing except to just release. Didn’t we talk about that last time guys, being able to find your release in something? Obviously, mine is writing and so, here I am.

I was told tonight, by someone who I didn’t think I’d genuinely hear it from, that I was actually good at this writing bit. That may seem such a simple thing to be told, because shouldn’t everyone already have confidence in themselves that they’re good at what they love to do? Well, not really for everybody. Everyone has their self doubts of course, as I have mine. I always knew I really liked to write but I never saw or envisioned myself as an actual “writer” until maybe just recently. This wasn’t the first time that I’d been told by someone that I have a knack for this writing thing, and if I’m going to be quite frank with you here, it most certainly gave me a confidence boost that I’d certainly been lacking. 

“Darling you’re with me, always around me. Give me shelter, or show me heart. Come on love. Watch me fall apart, only love.” -Ben Howard, Only Love.

(Love, love, love that song right now, and that man–pure genius, although it has nothing to do with anything I’ve written thus far.)

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Just to Be Clear

Everyone needs forgiveness; the kindness of a saviour.”

 

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was open the Facebook app on my phone–mistake right from the start. There’s nothing like a good ol slap of reality to the face to make you realize or feel that your life is moving nowhere when clearly, everyone else’s is. All I’d manage to do was torture myself with countless engagement and wedding pictures. I see everyone getting married, going off to college, graduating college, becoming successful, being happy. Then, as any normal person who’s feeling discontented with themselves, I take this huge inward look at myself and feel nothing but incompetence. Incompetent to life in general and everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing because, now I feel that it’s all too late. Everyone I’ve ever known has already progressed with their lives and I still seem to be stuck in this place that I can’t move forward from. I feel like I’ve somehow failed myself and everyone around me because I haven’t changed; everything is still all too familiar and redundant. I let my mind overtake me and I become this self-loathing person who doubts herself. How have I managed to let everyone and everything pass me by while I remain yet the same?

I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m not cut out for the kind of life people only dream of, that there isn’t this “greater purpose” to my life. Maybe I’m just a simple person meant to come and go, make the most of my life and be content with simpleness; settling. I get myself so stuck in a rut that everything I do now is questionable. “Am I doing this motherhood thing right?”, “Can I really, truly be someone who my sisters want to look up to?”, “Have I even remotely made my parents proud?” Haven’t we all been here a time or two? Of course we have, but the tricky part sometimes is figuring out how to get out of that place, that mindset.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m giving professional advice, because I definitely don’t have any degrees in psychology or any behavioral sciences for that matter. What I do know is that the typical trial and error thing actually works–I’ve done it a few times. The best thing I’ve ever learned to do is to release. Something that seems so simple can actually become the hardest thing for you to learn to do. As people, we sometimes tend to hold things inside of us because we don’t want to feel a burden to others or even to ourselves, so the things that bother us become buried and forgotten to us for a small while, yet the problem still remains. Let it all go; release it. Cry it out if you must because you must. Cry for your self doubt and your fears. Dear God, scream if you have to, but release it. Find your way of release, a healthy way, whatever it is and turn to it when you feel so overwhelmed and down. I tell myself to let go of these things because I know that I want better, and I know I can have better.

“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.”

Self-conflict isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. In fact, I find it to be a very commendable trait of character. If you don’t question or test yourself how can you expect to move forward, unless you’re completely content with where you are. It makes you take a look at yourself, to change the things about yourself that you can better. I had to come to terms with that fact that, yes, everyone is indeed doing different things with their lives. Some that I’d hoped to have done by now as well, but the beauty of all this is that no one can be the same. We can’t all live the same lives and be successful or happy in the same ways. We have to do that on our own, in our own time–we all move in different paces. 

Instead of focusing on everyone else’s lives and trying to determine where I wasn’t in mine, I decided to focus on the present, on what I have now. Somewhere along the way I got to become the mother of this child who only God himself could have blessed me with, and everything about her has made everything about me the best that I could have hoped to be. I have an amazing family, and while that may not sound like much of an accomplishment or success I could not be more grateful–I’m proud to have them. It’s so hard to feel blessed about what we already have when we keep looking for the things we don’t have. It’s not that we’ll never have them, because anything is possible, we just need to learn to how to embellish in the many blessings and happiness that we already have. Don’t become so bothered and focused on what’s going on around you with everyone else. Take some time, figure out what it is you truly want to become of yourself, your life, and take that and let it inspire you; how you live and in the things you do. 

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(Photo taken by, Jasmine Ross)