How is it that we become so afraid of life? Afraid to do the things that we’ve always said we would do, go to all the places we said we would go. It’s like we want to live outside the box, but we confine ourselves to it. I don’t understand, and it’s all so complicated when it shouldn’t be. Should it?
I’m faced with this very problem myself, and so confused, conflicted, frustrated, and anxious about my life. I have all these dreams and goals that I need to accomplish, I HAVE to accomplish, because then what would my life have meant if I don’t. So difficult, trying to figure out who you are, who you’ve become, and where you’re supposed to be. Then I wonder, why?? Who says that it’s supposed to be this hard? Shouldn’t we be able to do whatever we put our minds to? That’s what they tell us right? And maybe it’s true. Maybe I actually CAN do all of the things that I dream of doing, and somewhere inside my brain I really do believe I can! But, then I get scared.
Fear is our own worst enemy. I wish we never knew it existed. That’s what holds me back. Plain ol, stupid fear. Fear of being inadequate, fear of not following through, fear of failing, and actually falling flat on my butt and then fear of not being able to get back up and go through with all of it again. Seriously, makes me angry.
Then, I watch this amazing show, “World of Jenks”, and find it completely inspiring that this girl Kailyn, who’s not much older than myself, has a rare form of cancer and is STILL doing everything that she loves doing. Even beyond that, she lives. You can see it in everything she does, how she walks, how she designs; everything about her screams life, even though she knows she could be dying.
I look at myself and I think, what’s your excuse? You have no reason to doubt or settle when you still have a complete life ahead of you. It’s so easy to be inspired and say we’ll do the things we’ll do and then as soon as something bad comes along, or we become “uninspired” we give up. It’s so easy to give up, and just decide that our dreams were too far fetched, and we should just settle for what’s “best”.
“Yeah Jasmine, maybe you should just get your degree in teaching and do photography on the side. Maybe that’s not what you were really cut out to do.”
That’s how it usually goes right? We convince ourselves that we were wrong about ourselves! Ridiculous isn’t it? I hate second guessing myself and doubting myself. Something I need to work on obviously! But I have become tired of being my own worst enemy. I confuse MYSELF! I make it hard for me, and I wish I had a conclusion for all of this, to say that I’m gunna man up and just take the bull by the horns, but I can’t. Because quite frankly, I am confused. So, so so confused and still trying to figure things out. Maybe I will decide to take that huge, scary step and move away from everything I know just to fulfill my dreams or maybe I should stay where I’m comfortable, where I know nothing too drastic could happen, where my safety net is. Who knows? I don’t. Honestly, I’m just praying and hoping that it all falls into place.